putzing around in what I use to do

I have a genuine desire to get ideas out there, for some reason that escapes me I get really really creative in cold weather. I'm middle aged enough and confused enough to not understand substack and I don't want to monetize things. way long ago when I was voraciously reading Kerouac I just wanted to share ideas and stories. this is before anxiety and depression choked that ambition out of me, I'm medicated and healthy enough to want to continue to re-attempt. 

like most situations I just genuinely assume that my words (vocal or written) will 

find an audience and if not then the words will sink into obscurity.

flummoxed

I'd like to start out slowly and eventually spew out my ideas and thoughts over time because according to what Alexa just answered I haven't done this "blog" in 2,273 days or 6 years and 2 months ago.  

I'm still an insecure person with MS, I won't fill up space today with the obvious things so I'll try this from another angle.  

I'm now a  homeowner  meaning I busy myself with work around the house that in most cases isn't exactly necessary  (pruning trees and such) since I don't work out of the house because of disability whenever I'm not trying out busy work in the yard (like 99% of the time) I'm watching TV, much like the lack of posts I tend not to read to much because my attention tends to flutter around a lot like a feather during a storm. 

I can't exactly recall the DMD I was on in 2015 but if I didn't mention it I'm currently taking the generic version of Tecfidera (Dimethyl Fumarate) like any DMD it is what it is  (essentially a crap shoot that you pin your hopes to). 

I'm also an uncle again twice over,  my brother and his wife welcomed twins in  2017. Me myself I've discovered over time that I do NOT like responsibility let alone being responsible for another life, don't get me wrong  I think breeders are cool it just ain't my bag, hell I feel bad enough when I yell at one of my cats if they're meowing incessantly to enter into a locked room. 

soo I'm ✌ peacing out for now and I  honestly want to make this a habit again because...... like I used to do in the 90s (sooooooooooo fucking long ago)  I would constantly scribble in notebooks 📓 and I also wrote a short story or 5 lol I've had this idea ruminating in my head for literally the time since the last blog post and if I wait ANY longer it'll change AGAIN and become just that much more complicated.  much like the stories from the 90s it serves as an outlet a catharsis and hopefully I can get the ball  rollong

soooo as I was saying

To paraphrase Mark Twain, Rumors of my blogs death have been greatly exaggerated, even though technically this was never a job it had lost its fun but I kind of missed it in a way. During my intelligent time (the times just before I get in the shower, the times that I sit there on the throne waiting for my body to do it's thing)  the most coherent thoughts and ideas bounce around in my head and it was time to voice my opinion again but this time I'm not going to feel guilty for voicing my opinion.

sooo it's been a year and the most significant thing (MS wise) that has happened to me is I have been on Tysabri for 5 years (60 infusions). I feel good or as good as I can - the Tysabri does right by me and I can't complain. I'll do my best to write

gearing up for Movember, need feedback

Ok so I know that I'm a very absent minded blog keeper but as you know (or as I write here every few months) I am looking to change that. One of the things that I truly hate about having Multiple Sclerosis is that I am VERY easily distracted because of my lack of focus, that little sticking point just blends itself into other areas of my MS laziness (a blend of lack of motivation/zero energy/mood- anger) oh the joys of our illness. Sorry I had to have a little whine- my writing style is anything but perfect or normal, as you know or are about to find out- I am trying to impart my knowledge and yell a lot in the process. I am taking part in Movember  which is a light hearted yet hirsute challenge for men to grow a mustache while fundraising for men's health issues which include prostate and testicular cancer as well as mental health issues. I want to participate in order to shine a light on the issue of men and MS - Multiple Sclerosis is two to three times more common in females than males. So I am going to forth with a "lip broom" and talk about some health in the process, I still don't know how often I'll update (daily versus 2-3 day intervals)

have to start fresh but as you can see its very easy

3 year and seven month check in

ok so its been a while and I haven't been posting for good reason, a while ago I started letting my low self esteem dictate the tone of the blog, and that was contrary to what I initially was intending to do. I had some type of delusion of being a "go to guy" of being an advocate. Like many MSers who take an interest in documenting my ordeals I thought that I could start to pass on a wealth of knowledge .. and so on and so forth. My only setback there is MY MS brain likes to forget ... a lot. As I've stated in previous posts I have a habit of jumbling my words and thoughts.

While I believe I'm rebounding in the self worth and attitude portion of my life so I'll do my best to come back, it may be full of self deprecation and it may be sporadic but I believe that I should keep trying. I may not be a fountain of knowledge but my little point of view is still worth sharing.

a wellness check

... and by wellness check I mean that I'm writing this so that my occasional readers can know that I am alive. I have no excuse my my prolonged absence but you can imagine or agree that this MonSter always has different plans for us. My problem (besides mustering up energy) is my motivation always seems to seap out of me, I'll have a standard day- think of a possible subject (or something that happened to me in my day) and the voice in the back of my head starts in with - "well that''ll never work" or "Your sentences don't make any sense".

As you can plainly see I have no self esteem but I only mention that so the reader can see that they aren't alone and more as a form of do it yourself therapy (i.e. tell myself that I'm ok)... because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and Goddone it, people like me. Sarcasm and old SNL lines help me

I'm also plagued by my continuing grumpiness, I tend to do well enough when I'm in a hermit like situation, with the occasional coffee shop trips with my mom and my 3X a week gym visits with my dad I do ok. (I live with my wife and cats whom are all within 10 feet of my position on this couch) ok so I'm not a TRUE hermit.

I wrote this post yesterday and just noticed some text and color errors on the page, as much as I tried to fix it 'blogger' is choosing to not be my friend today :-(

It was a valiant effort

I tried my best but at the 13 hour mark I fell victim to a bunch of airborne germs that have been festering in my house ( I ain't mad at ya honey) . Paired together with some tooth pain and I didn't see getting very far in the readathon. From hour one I was reading at a snails pace but I guess if you choose a book that has a lot of Medical terms in it then you get what you ask for. I was reminded that having MS I will more often than not have cognitive issues and in those 'cog-fog's I can only do so much. Pair that together with the cold that I have and "Boom" the wheels on my mental train of thought re: reading will fall off and I'm forced to mentally pull into the station. Well it was fun while it lasted, I wanted to thank the cheer-readers that came and visited me, I want to thank the folks that stopped by to read my thoughts on what I had to say.

As far as future participation is concerned I have some thoughts on that, I do try to do my reading in the name of Multiple Sclerosis in order to bring awareness and understanding - I mistakingly choose books sometimes that are too technical and books that I shouldn't just breeze through, If I come back next April I would like to try something that doesn't require too much understanding, perhaps a Bio/autobio? Well regardless of my future choice I'm just glad that I tried.

For my fellow MSers http://24hourreadathon.com/


For fellow readers and non-reading fans http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx

Call of Cthulu Wrap up

The Call of Cthulu in a nutshell is just a great story, like I wrote in my last post it has kind of a Radio Play feel to it,

but before I go on

Mid-Event Survey

1) How are you doing? Sleepy? Are your eyes tired? I'm ok, some minor jaw pain
2) What have you finished reading? 40% of one book** 10 % of another
3) What is your favorite read so far? The Call Of Cthulu
4) What about your favorite snacks? Chicken Wings!
5) Have you found any new blogs through the readathon? If so, give them some love!

** having MS and wanting to spread awareness I decided on a book that I had acquired around last Christmas regarding MS and Mental Health.. It was proving to be a bit too meaty for a readathon and I think I will continue it when I can take notes

more on The Call of Cthulu

I just finished part two in The Call of Cthulu and I'm finding it a very engaging story. It's almost surreal in a sense, I can almsot see this as an old time radio show from the 1920's (the time it was written) at the same time it also reminded me of the South Park pardy of Cthulu, regardless of where your mind my wander this is definitly a story I'm enjoying (even at my leisurely pace)

New Book

 

So far juat read part one of the first story in this anthology, The Call Cthulu by HP Lovecraft! This story has it all! Horrible disfiguired monsters, cults, maniacs!! I'm intrigued to see how this turns out, For a story more than eighty years old the story is packing quite a whallop! I can say that in an era before Gene Rodenberry and way before Stephen King, Mr Lovecraft certainly knew how to tell a story

A Change in the game!

BOOK B

BOOK A

for the time being I have halted further reading of book A and heading to book B! M is for Monster, a nice way to get in the Halloween mood I think! Quick note, book A was fine but it's just making me nervous, considering it's about an immune disease that I have

I am not good with math, it'll be 4PM EST soon

I am really learning a lot here, I am about Half way into my first book (going slow because there are a lot of scientific terms and also this is a subject that involves me personally I don't want to ZIP threw it quickly)  I thought I would take a second to give a shout out to worthy information centers RE: Multiple Sclerosis

http://www.msassociation.org/?gclid=CNPHqKTf_rICFY-6zAod9HAAUw

http://erasems.org/

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx

the 6th hour ends

I hate to beat a dead horse* but.. as slow as I'm reading I am having a good time. :-) it's always helpful for me (or most people with MS)  to get a refresher on other MSers and to take a glance at their coping skills and see what lessons could be learned. Patricia Farrell has done an excellent job (thus far) of presenting the stories of different MSers and how unpredictable the disease is

*the dead horse is my unhappiness about my slow reading which is due to my MS which I am reading about funny enough

Making sense

Even though I was diagnosed with MS almost three years ago I am finding great and relevant info in my book selection Its Not All Your Head, I'm being reminded of the choices that I make and how they effect my healing and my diseases progression. Aside from the seriousness of my book selection, I am having a great readathon thus far, one thing that I've had to keep in mind is that I've felt that i read at a sluggish pace I have to remember that the "thon" isn't a race, and that my cognitive setbacks (as I'm reading in my book) effect my memory and reading retention

trudging along

ok so I am learning a lot about myself here, A major issue that MS sufferers go through is "brain fog" or a haze as I like to call it. If you had a Pac-Man like auto immune disease fighting blindly against your brain you too would have issues with short term memoru recall... Mood is another big issue

I'm having an issue posting here, I think we all broke blogger :(

I decided to come back, it is weird to read about certain situations at the same time they are effecting your reading process.. hence the title of the post, trudging along

See ya in a bit

cutting it close

GOOD MORNING!  Time to start off on another reading adventure and I feel good, woke uwithout too many concerns, took my vitamins and I'm drinking my coffee. I'm in the process of starting and I thought I'd answer some questions!!

Introductory Questionnaire

1) What fine part of the world are you reading from today?
2) Which book in your stack are you most looking forward to?
3) Which snack are you most looking forward to?
4) Tell us a little something about yourself!
5) If you participated in the last read-a-thon, what’s one thing you’ll do different today? If this is your first read-a-thon, what are you most looking forward to?

1 I am from Port Saint Lucie Florida!! WOOP WOOP!
2 It's not all in your head, a book concerning MS and behavior.. deep stuff but since I have MS I wanted to start off with something close to me :)
3 lol Umm I guess my pretzels
4 well I'm running late at the moment so I'm not prompt lol
5 I wouldn't do anything differently! no regrets!!

ciao!! gotta go

I'm kind of excited in the final preps for tomorrows readathon, at the moment all that's left is final preps for some snacks and just to rest up for tomorrow. Being in a 24 readathon AND having Multiple Sclerosis isn't an easy task but I gladly participate In the name of MS Awareness and remind my fellow MSers that it's still fun to read something that isn't a computer screen, or maybe to try audiobooks. 

Participating is fun, you get to devote a huge chunk of time to shutting out noise and just diving into some good reading, After some coffee and an extra B12 pill tomorrow I should be raring to go, Having optic neuritis (or at least mild optic neuritis ) it is difficult sometimes to read  being involved in this event is really important to me, having MS - one the other issue(s) I face is cognitive, no real cure for that except maybe taking time outs and remembering that although it's supposed to be a 24 event it's not mandatory, What is important is to have fun and to try to write about it, whether on FB or your own blog.

https://www.facebook.com/readathon

http://24hourreadathon.com/

My choices for tomorrow!

OK OK I'll stop

In a strange but understandable way I have set myself up for failure, (I'll get back to that in a sec) I keep forgetting one of the biggest stumbling blocks with my MS involves my mood (really for most of us or at least some of us), With the current atmosphere on TV, the Internet, and all around us it seems that a lot of folks are getting really charged up politically. I have tried not to get too judgemental here (at least on this  blog. my Facebook page is another story) I continue to harp on this - I KNOW but I'm addressing it because I forget that MS controls my mood at times, this has to be pretty strong actually because I'm on Celexa and I still feel my attitude and mood shift at times.

ok I'm a bad actor, I'm supposed to be a hot head

For me I don't believe it's a questiuon of dosage, my meds are working just fine I think, on the onset of my initial MS diagnosis I was extremely sad (for a few days BEFORE the diagnosis) and I couldn't stop, the Celexa mutes at the depression but sometimes the severe political... Angst seeps through and I believe in doing so I alienate friends (on FB) and potential friends here. So, even though it's a personal opinion situation I am ceasing hostilites for the time being. Of course the internet being what it is I reserve the right to do as I please but the emphasis is still there on the stepping down .

My Readathon Quandary!

Tomorrow is Can Do MS day and I decided to pick my book (books) for next months Readathon, it may seem trivial to some but it is something for me to take into consideration. In past readathons I've read both fiction and nonfiction, what I'm stuck on is IF I dedicate my time to a nonFiction MS book then I don't want to make the mistake of buzzing through the book too quickly, and since I'm dedicating my time on behald of Multiple Sclerosis and MS Advocacy I always question whether I shouldn't be reading an MS focused book. 

Right now as it stands there are two particular books that are leading the race

It's Not All in Your Head by Patricia Farrell PHD

it's common for MSers and to experience a wide array of issues and Dr Farrell deals with these issues in her book 

(please be aware that since I'm deciding which books to read that I haven't READ them yet)

and M is for Monster a Modern Bestiary of Classic Monsters

and just in time for Halloween a true scare fest!!

so far these books are leading the pack, eventual back-ups to these books include books by Palahniuk (which I have a few which I haven't cracked yet) and in a not so distant third place is

11/22/63 an imaginative story set a midst the tumult of the Kennedy Assassination with a fictional story as the main focus.

I invite any input by fellow MSers or fellow Bibliophiles, my intended Readathon is on October 13th   

Learn more here

Deweys 24 Hour Readathon  

NMSS

in addition

sometimes I struggle with typing here because my thoughts are all over the place. Like some MSers I have cognitive setbacks so I figured I can speak on a video blog (Vlog). It may come back to get me in the end if I can't speak my thoughts in a clear consistent manner. Well I gave it a try, since this was my first time I took it as an opportunity to introduce myself. Vlog thru Youtube My intention is to share more through Youtube, both info and some humor (if I can manage that)