3 year and seven month check in

ok so its been a while and I haven't been posting for good reason, a while ago I started letting my low self esteem dictate the tone of the blog, and that was contrary to what I initially was intending to do. I had some type of delusion of being a "go to guy" of being an advocate. Like many MSers who take an interest in documenting my ordeals I thought that I could start to pass on a wealth of knowledge .. and so on and so forth. My only setback there is MY MS brain likes to forget ... a lot. As I've stated in previous posts I have a habit of jumbling my words and thoughts.

While I believe I'm rebounding in the self worth and attitude portion of my life so I'll do my best to come back, it may be full of self deprecation and it may be sporadic but I believe that I should keep trying. I may not be a fountain of knowledge but my little point of view is still worth sharing.

a wellness check

... and by wellness check I mean that I'm writing this so that my occasional readers can know that I am alive. I have no excuse my my prolonged absence but you can imagine or agree that this MonSter always has different plans for us. My problem (besides mustering up energy) is my motivation always seems to seap out of me, I'll have a standard day- think of a possible subject (or something that happened to me in my day) and the voice in the back of my head starts in with - "well that''ll never work" or "Your sentences don't make any sense".

As you can plainly see I have no self esteem but I only mention that so the reader can see that they aren't alone and more as a form of do it yourself therapy (i.e. tell myself that I'm ok)... because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and Goddone it, people like me. Sarcasm and old SNL lines help me

I'm also plagued by my continuing grumpiness, I tend to do well enough when I'm in a hermit like situation, with the occasional coffee shop trips with my mom and my 3X a week gym visits with my dad I do ok. (I live with my wife and cats whom are all within 10 feet of my position on this couch) ok so I'm not a TRUE hermit.

I wrote this post yesterday and just noticed some text and color errors on the page, as much as I tried to fix it 'blogger' is choosing to not be my friend today :-(

Greetings to all, I am in the middle of a holiday break at my in-laws house 900 miles from home and at least 25° colder than I like it. Nonetheless it is a fun yet challenging time for me, I don't know if its because I'm in a different home or because I'm not drinking enough water but, well lets just say that I'm being reminded by my own body (and bathroom visits -yuck-) that I need to always be on top of my water intake. As an MSer you might take it for granted you might even forget what a blessing water is for your body, water helps with digestion (while a colder climate and a stressful trip won't) . I guess I'm just doing this also as a psa for anyone stateside during this time because its getting colder out there.

being thankful

I guess I'm not as vocal as most folks when it comes to being thankful but I can assure you I am. On days like this before I go to my parents house and mix and mingle with my family I will be asked more than once How I'm doing, in situations where I mingle with my family or other folks who don't know how MS 'works' it can get frustrating. It can get frustrating being asked the same questions of  'When are you going back to work?' or being told ''but you look good'.

I try to take situations like these in stride, it's not anyones fault that they don't know (In most occasions I try to educate but once you explain it for the 8th time you get tired).

I am thankful especially this year because I feel a good moderate strength in my legs and although I did have a fall at the gym on Monday I am thankful that I can continue to build up my legs and I'm thankful that I can still use my legs (although with a cane, but still thankful!)

live to fight on!

well well well, there's no legitimate reason for my absence I guess I get caught up in mental hoopla of November but I'm glad to be back. The reason that I saw fit to blog this morning is regarding a mishap I had at the gym. My level of disability isn't extremely severe but it's severe enough that I need a cane because of my drop foot. I was at the treadmill as I usually start off my regimen I started at 3.0 at a quite brisk pace. I recently started using an older pair of sneakers because I thought they were somewhat cleaner (BIG mistake). I wasn't using common sense this morning because much like a tire gets worn or bald the same happens with sneakers, when I built up a gradual speed at one point my foot lost grip with the tread and as a result I ended up kneeling quickly and was launched backward and crashing to the ground.

worn shoes, BAD for MS

In the war against MS I have slowly been getting used to my weaknesses, I am tough and I'm used to getting scraped knees. It's now just a matter of resting and working out another day. Even though I may not like the other shoes it's important for me to switch back.

It was a valiant effort

I tried my best but at the 13 hour mark I fell victim to a bunch of airborne germs that have been festering in my house ( I ain't mad at ya honey) . Paired together with some tooth pain and I didn't see getting very far in the readathon. From hour one I was reading at a snails pace but I guess if you choose a book that has a lot of Medical terms in it then you get what you ask for. I was reminded that having MS I will more often than not have cognitive issues and in those 'cog-fog's I can only do so much. Pair that together with the cold that I have and "Boom" the wheels on my mental train of thought re: reading will fall off and I'm forced to mentally pull into the station. Well it was fun while it lasted, I wanted to thank the cheer-readers that came and visited me, I want to thank the folks that stopped by to read my thoughts on what I had to say.

As far as future participation is concerned I have some thoughts on that, I do try to do my reading in the name of Multiple Sclerosis in order to bring awareness and understanding - I mistakingly choose books sometimes that are too technical and books that I shouldn't just breeze through, If I come back next April I would like to try something that doesn't require too much understanding, perhaps a Bio/autobio? Well regardless of my future choice I'm just glad that I tried.

For my fellow MSers http://24hourreadathon.com/


For fellow readers and non-reading fans http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx

Call of Cthulu Wrap up

The Call of Cthulu in a nutshell is just a great story, like I wrote in my last post it has kind of a Radio Play feel to it,

but before I go on

Mid-Event Survey

1) How are you doing? Sleepy? Are your eyes tired? I'm ok, some minor jaw pain
2) What have you finished reading? 40% of one book** 10 % of another
3) What is your favorite read so far? The Call Of Cthulu
4) What about your favorite snacks? Chicken Wings!
5) Have you found any new blogs through the readathon? If so, give them some love!

** having MS and wanting to spread awareness I decided on a book that I had acquired around last Christmas regarding MS and Mental Health.. It was proving to be a bit too meaty for a readathon and I think I will continue it when I can take notes